FOR MY FAMILY

To my loves Scottie & Cooper, to my 3 amazing and powerful sisters, to my 2 brothers with the BIGGEST hearts, to my dad who taught me what unconditional love feels like, to my mom who taught me what unconditional sacrifice looks like, to my grandparents whose unwavering faith inspires me, and to all other family & friends who I've been blessed to know and whose prayers I've felt day after day.

Mortality has granted me unique opportunities to consider what life might look like if, and when, I am no longer here. It has challenged me to name and face my deepest fears, shed any and all mortal labels that I identify (and have identified) with, and has left me in a position of wondering. Wondering what the point of all this is. What the point of mortality is. What the point of pain, setbacks, injustice, heartache, and disappointment are. I can't say that I've fully come to understand why... but I continue to feel the pull to write, day after day, and to wrestle with the deep thoughts and feelings of my heart. I don't know if I have anything mind-shattering or world-altering to share, but I do feel undeniable strength granted to me through my Savior Jesus Christ, as I'm engaging in this wrestle, and fight for my life. And it's becoming more and more clear through all this, that I really do have a merciful Father in Heaven, who I KNOW loves me (just like Rob has always taught me... love you dad.). God loves me enough to allow mortality to happen to me, and has trusted me enough to allow me to distance myself from Him, knowing with surety that I would eventually come back. Like the Prodegals Son, I've embarked on my own journey of distancing myself from my Father. And now, feeling the depths of the suffering that I've imposed upon myself, I'm ready to return to Him again: one day, and one wrestle, at a time.

So speaking as someone who is trying to find my way back to my loving Father, this I know with all the certainty of my heart: We all have, and will have, our own unique challenges in life. None of us are exempt from the pain, suffering, heartbrake, injustice, and the ups and downs associated with mortality. We are each having and experiencing our own unique journey, through our own distinct lens, and I do believe that God is very much in the details of our experiences. He is allowing us to experience mortality in ways that are uniquely our own, and we are to act as stewards of these experiences. God might allow mortality to happen to us in such a way that may bring us to the edge of breaking, but I do believe that He is a loving God. And he has NOT left us comfortless. His perfect plan was created for this very purpose: to provide a Savior for us, especially when life "life's" a bit too hard. God let's us experience suffering, because He cares about our souls. He wants us to progress. And it's through these unique experiences and challenges, that we can be molded and shaped, through the spirit and with the help of our older brother Jesus, to become who God needs us to become: LIKE HIM. Life is freaking hard at times, but so deeply gratifying, especially when we CHOOSE to let God be the greatest influence in our lives.

This said, I feel a pull to share the deep feelings of my heart as I'm learning to focus on what I hope, is of utmost importance to my Father. I want to be His, and fully committed to Him, during the time He grants me in this life. I definitely don't have everything figured out, but I hope you engage in this wrestle with me.

All my love,

Paige

Stay by David Archuletta

Survive by Lewis Capaldi

Master the Tempest in Raging

(Journal entry by Paige on 4/23/26): "Last week, I left Cooper at home with Scott. I took Chip to the neighborhood next to ours, parked, and curled into a ball hoping and wishing with the small amount of energy I had left inside of me that I would fall asleep and never wake up. This cocktail of challenges that I'm navigating felt like too much to bear in that moment, and it seemed simpler to just give it all up and die. 

I laid their for about 30 minutes until a primary song that I sing to Coop most nights before bed started playing in my head (Just Pray by: Shawna Edwards). I prayed for strength in that moment, and just cried to God at how unbearable life was feeling. I didn't feel like I could carry on one more moment, but I knew I couldn't end things. Haylee's voice saying how selfish suicide is kept popping into my mind, and I just couldn't ignore it... I imagined Scottie finding me and feeling absolutely crushed. I imagined Cooper grown up and blaming himself for not having a mother... I couldn't do that to them. Those images, and Haylee's voice kept me here in that moment. 

After I finished my very raw and rude prayer, I miraculously had the strength to open my eyes. I felt the sunshine now warming my entire body in the front seat, and looked around at the bright world around me. I turned the car on, and drove home to a very worried Scottie, who just held me as we cried. I learned that God wants, and needs me to stay. Scottie wants, and needs me to stay. Coop needs me to stay. And I want to stay. I want to come through this whirlwind stronger and wiser and better. And I do have lots worth living for."

"As you wage personal wars, obviously part of the strength to “hang in there” comes from some glimpse, however faint and fleeting, of what the victory can be. It is as true as when Solomon said it that “where there is no vision, the people perish” (Prov. 29:18). If your eyes are always on your shoelaces, if all you can see is this class or that test, this date or that friend, this disappointment or that dilemma, then it really is quite easy to throw in the towel and stop the fight. But what if it is the fight of your life? Or more precisely what if it is the fight for your life, and your eternal life at that? What if beyond this class or that test, this date or that friend, this disappointment or that dilemma you really can see and hope for all the best and right things that God has to offer. Oh, it may be blurred a bit by the perspiration that keeps running riverlike into your eyes, and in a really difficult fight one of the eyes might even be closing a bit; but faintly, dimly, and ever so far away you can see the object of it all. And you say it is worth it, you do want it, you will fight on. Like Coriantumr, you will lean upon your sword to rest a while, then rise to fight again (see Ether 15:24–30)." -Elder Holland

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me." -Psalm 23:4

"When Jesus is your shepherd, even the valleys become Holy Ground. Let this season be a Holy Season. Your purpose has to be bigger than the pain." -Janessa Waite

(Written by Paige on 4/23/26): I think I can safely say that I'm an expert at fearing burdening other people with my challenges haha... and maybe that's why God has granted me such unique coctails of mortal challenges, at various points in my life, as a method of FORCING me to learn to rely on others. 

Maybe this is true, maybe it's not, but regardless: "mourning with those that mourn, comforting those that stand in need of comfort", and allowing others to do the same for us in our times of need, are what we covenant to do at baptism. It can be painful at times to allow someone to glimpse your weaknesses, vulnerabilities, mistakes, and challenges, and I'm not advocating that you do this if it feels forced or unnatural. You are completely allowed to protect your vulnerabilites from others, but know that sharing something that's hard and being vulnerable might be exactly what the other person might need to hear to help them through their trials. 

I mean think about it this way: if you're anything like me, you find a lot of joy in serving others. It's fulfilling in an undescribable sort of way when you're able to follow promptings, or help someone in a way that was so immensely criticle for them in that moment of their life. I can't really find something that tops this type of fulfillment for me. What if opening up to someone about the hard and vulnerable and tender things that you're stuggling with helps the person you're talking to with their challenges in that sort of way? What it helps put their own challenges into perspective? What if it gives them an opportunity to feel a connection to heaven that they wouldn't have had otherwise? What if they're in a season of their life where things are pretty smoothly and they're looking for additional ways that they can serve? What if opening up and asking for help is EXACTLY what they're needing to help strengthen their own relationship with our Savior, and Father in Heaven? Because isn't that the whole point? Progress, and becoming more like God through Christ?

Obvioulsy I'm no where near perfect at this, but I'm grateful to have been able to wrestle with this and to have felt deep, undeniable fulfillment and connection with heaven as I'm seeking ways to lets others close to me into my struggles, and trusting that they won't judge me, that they actually want to help me, and that I'm not a burden for them. I'm finding over and over again that these fears are never actually valid, and that if I were in their shoes, I'd be equally happy and eager to help if someone like me reached out. So maybe asking for help isn't even about you anyway? Maybe helping you through your trials is part of their mortal journey, and you're not allowing it to be...

(as I'm writing this I'm thinking that I REALLY should take my own advice haha...)

The depth you gain as a human, from experiencing deep human suffering, and gaining strength from it, is worth everything. (Written by Paige on 5/2/26)

"Keep loving. Keep trying. Keep trusting. Keep believing. Keep growing. Heaven is cheering you on today, tomorrow, and forever." -Elder Holland

He is Building a Palace (C.S. Lewis)

"And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours." -D&C 78:18

"for when [you] fall [you] shall rise again, for [your] sacrifice shall be more sacred unto me than [your] increase, saith the Lord." -D&C 117:13

The Girl and the Backpack (By: Paige McKenna Koch)

"The change you've been attempting to manufacture in your life requires an entirely different approach. One that is beyond the scope of your own insight, understanding, performance, strength, and ability. For this reason, you must understand that information alone will not insight dynamic, meaningful life change. Good information without consistent application overtime, by the power of the holy spirit, will NEVER produce transformation. And as I said earlier, the self-creation, self-healing narrative is bound to implode eventually. Because it is like a house without a solid foundation. Its walls have been built on the lies that say: that you are the architect of your own destiny, that you can manifest whatever life you desire, that this work of transformation is all on you, and that you must self-protect and self-promote because the disapointment of your past "proves" that God is apparently incapable and unwilling to keep you safe... The truth is that the Lord has never been absent from your life, even if your perception of His presence told you the opposite. As has always been the case, unlimited power has been avaliable for God's pusposes to be accomplished in your life... God gives us the will and the power for life. Without question, transformation is indeed the better path. And wholeness is the better destination." (Healing What you Can't Erase by: Christopher Cook)

A normal human experience (voice recording transcription from Paige 4/29/2026): "So as I've been navigating this postpartum period and trying to get help for the emotions that I'm situationally feeling in response to, you know, this cocktail of experiences that I'm having. I took a questionnaire to get therapy and I got flagged for a variety of things. I don't know if I've already recorded this, but I've told it to a couple trusted people because I think it's funny. I got flagged for: PTSD, depression, bipolar, anxiety, and an eating disorder. Within the next 24 hours, I got a several urgent messages, calls, and emails saying: "hey, we think you're in distress...", and the encouraged me to call a number to basically a suicide hotline. And I mean, to be fair, I've had some dark, dark moments. But, the reason why I think it's funny is, because this is my human response to some pretty painful human experiences. And as I'm navigating them, and learning more about them, I really don't relate to any of those labels. I don't want any of those labels. But I do acknowledge that these feelings are very real in this moment, and it's my brain trying to, close the loop: To understand. To make meaning out of these big, and real moments of suffering. And so to be able to put words to that, and really believe that I'm not these things, it almost gives me extra courage and strength to be able to be like: "Okay, I'm excited to learn how to navigate these emotions, so that the next time that they show up, I can navigate them even better and have more tools to navigate them, because I'm sure they'll come up again", right? Like it's obvious that this has been a pattern at various moments in my life: maybe related to hormones, life stressors, life changes... and I think it's okay to be like, "yeah, I might have a tendency to experience these things more than maybe other people, but I'm not these things and I have permission to heal and to feel better." And that's the thing... I want to feel better! And so I'm excited to tackle these moments and continue to let myself flow from high moments to low moments, without losing perspective. Because I think that's the issue that I have with asking for help from a theraputic perspective because, I don't want these diagnosis's. But in that sphere, I need them in order to receive the help I'm looking for. But what I'm trying to get at here, is that if I receive these labels, I don't have to internalize them. And I'm always allowed to say no to therapy, and I will. Situationally, I think therapy is really valuable. But as soon as therapy gets pushed beyond the situation, that's when I feel that it can become a real problem. I worry for people who buy into that medicalized mental-health culture, and unfortunately, I think a lot of us are buying into that culture. I do acknowledge that I have a sick brain right now, that needs help, and that's why I'm asking for help and seeking help. But I don't want help for longer than I need it. As soon as I have some tools that I can implement, and some more context as to why I think the way I think, and how to shift it, I'll be excited to test things out then move on and gain strength from this experience. But as soon as therapy turns into, "a lifelong endeavor" that forces you to dig so deep internally, that's when I think it just exacerbates all the issues you're having. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. So once the systems are in place and once you have a better grasp on your brain, move on, implement the systems, and get outside of yourself! Get outside of your brain, get outside of your head, get outside of your problems. Go build relationships with others. Open up and be vulnerable. Let people into your suffering. Like I've really been trying to open up and be vulnerable with people that I never thought I'd be able to open up to about these things, but once I do, I palpably feel lighter."

The Song of the King (by Max Lucado)

"Some people go into professions, some people go into the military. Some people go into the arts. Some people go into the vocations and the crafts and the trades, and all of those are excellent choices. It's just that we need to grow from where we are as young people, as youth, and continue, as President Nelson talkes about, in lifelong learning. We have to prepare ourselves. We need to prepare ourselves. It's a religious obligation, he said, so that we can be of service to other people. It's not just for our own edification, our own income. Those things matter, but really we want to be of service in society, in the church, and in the broader community. So I want to emphasize, there's no one profession, no one occupation, no one training that's best for 100% of all of us. But each of us chooses a path, and we can change it as we go along and learn. You are not expected to know everything at the beginning. You don't see the end from the beginning. And sometimes, it's just: "Give me this day my daily bread" (Matthew 6:11). I need this day, and I'll move to that step, and then see where we go after that". And that's okay, you don't need to know it all." -Elder D. Todd Christofferson

You are Special (by Max Lucado)

Hindsight it 20/20. Painful, but true. (Written by Paige on 5/2/26)

If not this, then what? (voice recording transcription from Paige 4/30/2026): "This is all an adventure, right? Like, sure, I wouldn't have chosen any of this for myself (or for my worst enemy), but Scott said the other day, "what else would we be doing?"... Looking back on the last 10 months of so many ups and downs mentally, emotionally, and physically, maybe if those things didn't happen, life wouldn't have slowed down in a way that was really necessary for me, personally, to progress and to really understand the importance of motherhood and the focus that I need to have here. I don't know if any other schenario would have derailed me so completely from certain life paths that I was on, and I think that's exactly what needed to happen to get me back on the right course, focused on the things that really matter. And, looking back, our little family has been able to experience some pretty magical things. Like Scott being able to work from home so often and being really involved in Cooper's life! Cooper LOVES his dad, and being able to tag-team parenthood with Scottie, while being able to continue working, has been such a blessing. We have been able to experience so many adventures together: like all kinds of doctors appointments and procedures, going to to Kansas City for surgery and doctors visits, staying in crazy Airbnbs, having an overnight hospital stay... it's all just opportunities to learn, to have more adventures, and to experience, again and again, mortality: This human experience that we're meant to experience. And that's not to say, it's easy. Um, it's freaking hard. But it's worth it, and it's exciting, and when the calm after the storm finally comes (and it does), these experiences mean so much. The wrestle means so much. There's so much pride in looking back and seeing all the challenges you navigated and all the progress you've made, and I'm feeling that. In this moment, I'm deeply proud of myself, and the steps that I've taken towards, hopefully, sustainably keeping my perspective a little bit more in-check. Keeping my paradigm more correctly focused."

Key Principles of Suffering in Buddhism

The Three Types of Dukkha (Suffering):

• Painful Experience: Physical and emotional discomfort, such as pain, illness, or sadness.

• The Suffering of Change: The anxiety and insecurity arising because pleasure and happy moments are impermanent.

• Conditioned/Compound Suffering: A deeper, subtle sense of unease or unsatisfactoriness with life.

The Three Poisons (Causes of Suffering):

• Greed/Craving: The relentless desire for sensory pleasures, existence, or non-existence.

• Hatred/Aversion: Resisting, fearing, or disliking situations, people, or emotions.

• Ignorance/Delusion: Misunderstanding the nature of reality, specifically that things are impermanent and not worth clinging to.

The Two Arrows Analogy: Pain is inevitable (the first arrow), but suffering is our mental reaction to pain—like clinging or panic—which is optional (the second arrow).

Root Cause: The ultimate root is craving (tanha), which stems from a lack of understanding of the true, impermanent nature of existence.

Ending Suffering: The third Noble Truth holds that by letting go of this craving and attachment, one can achieve freedom from suffering, known as Nirvana.

"The submissive soul will be led aright, enduring some things well while being anxiously engaged in setting other things right—all the time discerning the difference. Required, in particular, is meekness of mind which recognizes God’s perfect love of us and His omniscience. By acknowledging these reassuring realities and accepting that God desires our full development and true happiness, we are readied even as the learning experiences come. Such meekness requires genuine intellectual honesty, owning up to the learning experiences of the past and listening to the Holy Ghost as he preaches to us from the pulpit of memory... But it is only the meek mind which can be so shown and so stretched—not those, as Isaiah wrote, who “are wise in their own eyes.” (Isa. 5:21; see also 2 Ne. 9:29 and 15:21.) God’s counsel aligns us and conjoins us with the great realities of the universe; whereas sin empties, isolates, and separates us, confining us to the solitary cell of selfishness. Hence the lonely crowd in hell. Spiritual submissiveness means, instead, community and communion as the mind and the heart become settled. We then spend much less time deciding, and much more time serving; otherwise, the more hesitation, the less inspiration. Yielding one’s heart to God signals the last stage in our spiritual development. Only then are we beginning to be fully useful to God! How can we sincerely pray to be an instrument in His hands if the instrument seeks to do the instructing?... true submissiveness greatly enlarges the soul, but without hypocrisy and guile. (See D&C 121:42.) Submissiveness also checks our tendency to demand advance explanations of the Lord as a perplexed yet trusting Nephi understood: “I know that [God] loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things... Just as the capacity to defer gratification is a sign of real maturity, likewise the willingness to wait for deferred explanation is a sign of real faith and of trust spread over time. If faithful, we end up acknowledging that we are in the Lord’s hands and should surrender to the Lord on His terms—not ours. It is total surrender, no negotiating; it is yielding with no preconditions.” (1 Ne. 11:17.)... It is only by yielding to God that we can begin to realize His will for us. And if we truly trust God, why not yield to His loving omniscience? After all, He knows us and our possibilities much better than do we... Otherwise, one can be too busy promoting his own agendum: “For they being ignorant of God’s righteousness, and going about to establish their own righteousness, have not submitted themselves unto the righteousness of God.” (Rom. 10:3.)... While most of our suffering is self-inflicted, some is caused by or permitted by God. This sobering reality calls for deep submissiveness, especially when God does not remove the cup from us. In such circumstances, when reminded about the premortal shouting for joy as this life’s plan was unfolded (see Job 38:7), we can perhaps be pardoned if, in some moments, we wonder what all the shouting was about. For the faithful, what finally emerges is an understanding of “things as they really are” (Jacob 4:13), such as the reassuring realization that we are in the Lord’s hands! But, brothers and sisters, we were never really anywhere else!... The more we study, pray, and ponder the awesome Atonement, the more we are willing to acknowledge that we are in His and the Father’s hands." -Niel A. Maxwell (READ THIS ENTIRE TALK!! - Paige)

Faith not to be healed (voice recording transcription from Paige 3/31/2026): "This recovery has been filled with a whole lot of: "We're praying for you", "We're fasting specifically for your healing", "We're praying that you'll be healed fully"... But to be completely honestly, I don't believe in prayers of healing. I don't. I think it creates a false sense of hope. I think it creates false expectations. And I just don't think it's productive to pray for a specific outcome, if it's not in God's cards. To be clear, I do believe in prayer. But I'm so hesitant to go about it in a way that asks God for a specific outcome. First of all, I know that I can't put God into a box. I know that he's very much in control of this situation, but he's allowing mortality to happen to me. What He knows that I need to happen, will happen, and I trust that. I've seen it happen over an over again in my life. But then there's the other aspect of not wanting to get my hopes up. It hurts too bad. I've been hurt too much these past 10 months. Everything hurts. Every unmet expectation hurts. And it hurts too much to pray and to ask for something and to hope for that, and then to NOT see it come to fruition. I just want to heal so bad... But to know that I still have more left in this healing journey... potentially years more of managing these stupid symptoms.... More surgeries to repair it, on top of the complexities of immunosuppression, and managing my autoimmune disease, and wanting so bad to continue growing our family... At this point the unknown of if I can even be healed at all, feels like an almost unbearably vulnerable place to be in. So, anyway, I'm not sure where that puts my faith. But it does make me ask the question: "Do I have faith NOT to be healed, but to still trust God?"... And I think I do. And unfortunately, I think that's gonna be the case. But it's probably gonna work out, right? And God is gonna give me what I need to get through it. He always does. He always will. That's why he sent Jesus. The story of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane just keeps popping into my mind when He felt like He couldn't go further. And He asked that God remove this cup from him. But then Jesus said: "Not my will, but thine be done". And that's where I'm at. Not that I'm trying to compare myself to Jesus or anything, but I guess I'm at the point where whatever God needs me to do, I guess I'm willing to do it. And I'll just pray for strength. Pray for an open heart. Pray to be willing. So that's what I'll pray for. Because I don't believe in prayers of healing right now. I don't believe that my will can, or will, ever change God's will. And I know it's probably for the better. Because God has made so much more out of my life with chronic health issues, and things so far out of my control, and they've always turned into blessings. So I'll have hope that He can turn this experience into something positive as well. And maybe He won't. Maybe it's just a game of endurance, and I guess that's okay too. So those are my thoughts."

Voice recording transcription from Paige 4/14/2026: "God gives us stories to help us learn principles, right? And Jesus' ministry was mostly parables because that's a memorable and relatable way for us to learn. Especially through generations. That was one thing that I got from Come Follow Me this week, reading about when the Israelites were escaping from Egypt. They were trapped between the Red Sea and Pharaoh's army, and God provided a way that for them to escape that would be remembered for generations and give lots of people hope. For example, they gave the example when Nephi wanted to inspire his brothers, he said, “Let us be strong like unto Moses; for he truly spake unto the waters of the Red Sea and they divided hither and thither, and our fathers came through, out of captivity, on dry ground” (1 Nephi 4:2). And it got me thinking about this moment of my life, as I'm wrestling with "if I have faith not to be healed"... I keep wondering: "what if I actually do heal?" Because right now, I don't believe in specific prayers to change God's will. Like, what's the point of praying for something specific if it's not God's will? Because it's just getting your hopes up for healing, and then what if you don't heal? And so I'm like wrestling with the idea of: "what if I do heal?"... I'm wrestling with that because if I don't pray for healing, but I do end up healing, I don't feel like I should deserve to heal... because I didn't have faith enough to ask for healing. But the story of the man's son being healed by Jesus, when he said: "Lord, I believe, help thou mine unbelief" keeps popping into my mind. I feel like I'm in that position of: "help me in my unbelief"... Like, I want to learn how I can have unwavering faith, reguardless of if I'm healed or not. And can this be a faith-building experience I can share to help others through their own trials? Or maybe just for myself to reflect on during future moments of struggle? Like Moses freeing the Egyptians, that story was referred to again and again when people were looking for strenght through trials and a reminder of a loving God. Maybe I can find strength in this experience, reguardless of the outcome, for future me and for others looking for strength. Those are my jumbled thoughts."

Mortality sometimes has a way of slowing us down, or limiting us in some way. For me, my life has come to a staggaring halt after having Coop, as I've felt every single aspect of identity demolished to unrecognizable shambles. But maybe the point is: painfully pointing out the things that I've been so hyper-focused on, that aren't serving me any more. (Written by Paige on 4/29/26)

Important questions to consider, right now:

• What is the most important thing to you right now? 

• If you could change one thing in your life right now that would impact everything, what would it be?

• What takes up the majority of your time and attention right now?

• In the grand scheme of things, does this thing really matter? 

• What would happen if you released the morality you're associating with this thing?

• How would you feel if your worth wasn't tied up in whether or not you're successful at this thing?

You're allowed to have ups and downs. Some days are better than others, that's all part of the mortal experience. It becomes a game of moderating those emotions and anchoring your worth and identity to Christ. Analyze the metrics you're using to measure your worth. (Written by Paige on 5/2/26)

"Are you willing to let God prevail in your life? Are you willing to let God be the most important influence in your life?" -Pres. Nelson

I am worthy (voice recording transcription from Paige 4/29/2026): "The worth of souls is GREAT in the sight of God. I have been trying to figure out how to put this into words, but I've been reflecting on past versions of myself: 1) the me who was preparing for birth and then, 2) the postpartum me who was mourning a lot of things. I think the one piece of advice that I would give to those versions of myself would be: Take an inventory of how you're perceiving your worth. What conditions and criteria you have in place to measure your own worth. I think that can look different for everybody. I think everybody is probably navigating this question to some extent, and it's really eye-opening to identify where we have expectations and standards for ourselves, and if these align with the standards and expectations that God has for us. We inherently have worth, simply because we're children of God. Not because we've earned it, not because we need to earn it, not because we can earn it, not because we deserve it... but simply because we've been created by a loving God, who loves us beyond understanding simply because we're HIS. We are worth something great to God. So as I'm reflecting on the things, moments, and accomplishments, that I've been so attached to for the past couple years, it's pretty humbling to recognize that my chokehold on these things has been the key reason why I've suffered so much after Cooper's birth. For me, my worth was so deeply tied up in a few different things:

1. Unmedicated birth: I believed that I would feel worthy when I successfully could do this thing that we were divinely designed to do as women. Any other method of birthing equaled failure to the deepest degree. I even projected this belief on other women before I had even given birth to Cooper: if they had C-sections, they failed to do something in their power to avoid that outcome... How stupidly naieve of me. First off, I had no room to judge having never even birthed a baby. Second off, everything went literally by the BOOK in my delivery with Cooper, and I still ended up with an outcome that I have no control over... literally so much can happen during and after birth. And even if it does go exactly right, does is really matter in the grand scheme of things? Is how you birth babies really a metric of measuring worth? After wrestling with this very question for months now, I can confidently say that I don't believe God measures our worth by how we bring his babies into this world. And I thank him day after day that I can look forward to hopefully bringing another baby into this world thanks to modern medicine and surgical birthing methods.

2. Doing it all: This is one that I'm still wrestling with, but have made a lot of progress on recently. I've believed, to my freaking core, that "I would be worthy if I could successfully manage a full-time job while being a full-time mom, all on my own". For me, that meant grinding and sacrificing myself completely (my physical health, my mental health, my calling, my social life, my relationship with heaven...) for my job for Cooper. Essentially martying myself for my job and for motherhood. Doing this, and losing myself in this frenzie of business and stress and deadlines and needs, meant that I was worthy... I'm learning that as much as motherhood and work are worthy endeavors, if I'm killing myself for both, I need to let one go. And it's definitely NOT gonna be motherhood haha... that's my favorite job yet!

I keep wondering why I'm always putting expecations and metrics on my worth: "I am worthy if I am worthy if..." What if I could change the "I am worthy if" to, "I am worthy. Period." Not by deserving, not by earning, not because of anything, but just: "I am worthy". How would my life, and how I show up for myself and others change if I had a deep and grounded sense of this inherent worth?"

You are NOT a product. Embrace this human experience that you're having with all it's ups and downs. Detach yourself from this digital space where everything is performative. Quit turning your life into something you can "monetize", "market", or "build"... it's removing the humanity from the life you're living. As a hyper-connected society, we're hyper-aware of what everyone else is doing and feeling and building and accomplishing... it's detaching us from our own lives, our own feelings, our own humanity, our own relationships... it's toxic, and it requires a COMPLETE paradigm shift to step away from this way of thinking. Chronically living online is homogenizing us as a society... we can't think for ourselves anymore, we can't discern between right and wrong, we're chronically sad and lonely... it's terrible. GET OFF THE INTERNET. Delete social media accounts. Shift your paradigm. Live in the here and now. Build meaninful and fulfilling relationships in REAL LIFE... let yourself feel without thinking you have to perform. Your life doesn't have to become a show for other people. The world cares about engagment, God cares about progress. Choose to engage with God instead. (Written by Paige on 4/23/26)

Listen to this podcast episode.

Living vs. Performing (voice recording transcription from Paige 4/29/2026): "I've been listening to this podcast right now and it's putting into words exactly what I've been trying to verbalize, and I just haven't known how. So here's my takeaways: Spending time on social media, if that becomes our context for measuring value, if that's where we find our worth, if that's our lens that we're observing life through, then we, as users or presenters on that platform are viewing ourselves as products. And so when we observe our life as a business, or as opportunities to grow a business, or opportunities to monetize, all of a sudden our life becomes a marketing scheme or an opportunity to optimize, because we become products rather than people. We live our lives to perform as opposed to just living, learning, and collecting real life experiences. All of a sudden, our lives become about optimizing. Turning our deeply human struggles into something that we capture and optimize for views, likes, and engagment. This has become so normal for us know. Such a normal way to view life, and what success looks like. What if this isn't true? What if this framework for life is completely WRONG? What if we're not supposed to perform through life, and have it all together, but rather allow life and mortality, God and Christ to move us and season us and change us. Deeply, authentically, and without performing for anyone. What if deep change only can happen through deep and real and uncaptured human experiences, as opposed to optimizing and capturing these experiences for users to view? The only viewer we should be concerned about is God. And so if that's the case, there is no expectation required. There's no end goal besides the nature of our soul at the end of our mortal journey. And that's not something that can be measured, or that grows and changes linearly. The nature of your soul goes through phases. That's the human experience, and that's the experience that I want to have. But it's hard to shift the paradigm that so many of us have bought into: that we're a product that needs to be optimized or the views, follows, and monetization. Do I have courage to step away from that? Despite people still deeply valuing that as a metric for success, self-actualization, and validation. I think as I'm processing through some of these thoughts, I have a lot of guilt associated with this topic. I'm kind of ashamed at how I've been living my life over these past five or six years. I've been living through this lens. I've been living my life in a performative way. I've adopted the belief that I have to have everything together, that being vulnerable and not having things figured out is weakness, that every experience has to be a closed loop (meaning there's something to learn from every challenge and trial, and I better learn it quickly. I better close the loop quickly). Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of the human experience? Like, yes, we're supposed to learn lessons, but like, in due time, right? Like after some wrestling and after some struggling, right? Like, it's through the wrestle of training that we're ready to run that half marathon. It's through the training and through the journey that we're prepared to perform when race day comes. So sure, we can ask: "what's the lesson here?" And yes, I've been asking myself that over and over again the past 10 months. But I don't know that I can answer that, and I don't know that I will ever be able to answer that. But reguardless of if I get that 20/20 vision, and find meaning in all this, I'm allowed to just let myself have this human experience, and I don't have to live my life in a performative way. I'm not a product. I'm a human. And I'm here experiencing mortality, and the goal is becoming like God. Becoming like a loving Father who is very much watching over this experience. He is allowing me to have this experience, and I'm a sterward over it. God won't stop mortality from happening to me. He's not gonna stop these difficult experiences from progressing because he understands the process. He understands the developmenet that can come through days and months and weeks and years of processing and wrestling. And that's the process of becoming. It's discovering again and again that we need Jesus. The only path is Jesus, and we need the strength found only through Jesus. We need the foundation found through Jesus. We need Jesus' example to follow. We need promises and ordinances to keep us anchored to Jesus. That's all part of the process. And so, I'd like to releasing this idea that I have to live in a performative way, always have things figured out, have every loop closed, and never appear vulnerable. It's not serving me, and the reality is, we should need help. That's part of mortality. And it doesn't mean that I'll need help forever. It doesn't mean that I'll feel weak forever, but that's just part of life and becoming seasoned is realizing you can't do this on your own, and asking for help. So in this moment, I want to invite people into my circle, and into my suffering. It's proving to lighten my load, despite it being painful to wrestle with feeling weak."

"Because a transformed life is an effective, overcoming life. Sadly, however, too many of us stay stuck repeating patterns that don't catalyze systemic change. Because we've used self-creation and self-healing as a substitute for true, holy spirit-empowered formation and transformation according to the way and practice of Jesus. But the truth is that you do not have to self-protect, self-promote, and take care of yourself any longer. You don't have to perform you way to wholeness. Your past disappointments may seem to make a plausible case that God is incapable of keeping you safe, of worse, unwilling to do so. Yet, please trust me when I implore you, from personal experience, to relinquish your penchant toward an independent spirit, even when it doesn't make sense to your rational mind. There is a better option... Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may descern what is the will of God. What is good and acceptable and perfect." The message paraphrases this passage perfectly. Here's what I want you to do, God helping you. Take your everyday, ordinary life. Your sleeping, eating, going to work, and walking around life, and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention of God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what He wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. What is the worlds pattern of thinking? "Trust yourself, follow your heart, live your truth, look inside yourself to find the truth of who you are". But my friend, it's a trap. When your locust of authority and guidence is yourself, you are bound for shipwreck. At the end of the day, the step toward freedom and wholeness is your choice. So will you come out of hiding? Will you surrender your penchant towards independence? Will you be honest about your trust issues? Will you ask for help? Will you receive fresh wisdom from the one who gives generously to all without reproach? Who told you that your freedom and healing were all up to you anyway? Because they aren't." (Healing What you Can't Erase by: Christopher Cook)

We live in a world that glorifies the grind. Slow down. Experience mortality. Work will always be there. In the same breath though, there are seasons for everything, just be careful about letting those seasons distract you from the greater purpose in all this: Experiencing life, and allowing God to mold you with the help of our brother, Jesus Christ. (Written by Paige on 4/29/26)

The story of the Israelites in the wilderness for 40 years: that's a microcausm of mortality (see Come Follow Me - last week of April to May 3)