FOR MY FAMILY

To my loves Scottie & Cooper, to my 3 amazing and powerful sisters, to my 2 brothers with the BIGGEST hearts, to my dad who taught me what unconditional love feels like, to my mom who taught me what unconditional sacrifice looks like, to my grandparents whose unwavering faith inspires me, and to all other family & friends who I've been blessed to know and whose prayers I've felt day after day.

Mortality has granted me unique opportunities to consider what life might look like if, and when, I am no longer here. It has challenged me to name and face my deepest fears, shed any and all mortal labels that I identify (and have identified) with, and has left me in a position of wondering. Wondering what the point of all this is. What the point of mortality is. What the point of pain, setbacks, injustice, heartache, and disappointment are. I can't say that I've fully come to understand why... but I continue to feel the pull to write, day after day, and to wrestle with the deep thoughts and feelings of my heart. I don't know if I have anything mind-shattering or world-altering to share, but I do feel undeniable strength granted to me through my Savior Jesus Christ, as I'm engaging in this wrestle, and fight for my life. And it's becoming more and more clear through all this, that I really do have a merciful Father in Heaven, who I KNOW loves me (just like Rob has always taught me... love you dad.). God loves me enough to allow mortality to happen to me, and has trusted me enough to allow me to distance myself from Him, knowing with surety that I would eventually come back. Like the prodigal son, I've embarked on my own journey of distancing myself from my Father. And now, feeling the depths of the suffering that I've imposed upon myself, I'm ready to return to Him again: one day, and one wrestle, at a time.

So speaking as someone who is trying to find my way back to my loving Father, this I know with all the certainty of my heart: We all have, and will have, our own unique challenges in life. None of us are exempt from the pain, suffering, heartbrake, injustice, and the ups and downs associated with mortality. We are each having and experiencing our own unique journey, through our own distinct lens, and I do believe that God is very much in the details of our experiences. He is allowing us to experience mortality in ways that are uniquely our own, and we are to act as stewards of these experiences. God might allow mortality to happen to us in such a way that may bring us to the edge of breaking, but I do believe that He is a loving God. And he has NOT left us comfortless. His perfect plan was created for this very purpose: to provide a Savior for us, especially when life "life's" a bit too hard. God let's us experience suffering, because He cares about our souls. He wants us to progress. And it's through these unique experiences and challenges, that we can be molded and shaped, through the spirit and with the help of our older brother Jesus, to become who God needs us to become: LIKE HIM. Life is freaking hard at times, but so deeply gratifying, especially when we CHOOSE to let God be the greatest influence in our lives.

This said, I feel a pull to share the deep feelings of my heart as I'm learning to focus on what I hope, is of utmost importance to my Father. I want to be His, and fully committed to Him, during the time He grants me in this life. I definitely don't have everything figured out, but I hope you engage in this wrestle with me.

All my love,

Paige

I promise you: Life WILL get joyful again, you WILL heal. Hang in there. (from Paige, 6/17/2026)

Stay by David Archuletta

Survive by Lewis Capaldi

Master the Tempest in Raging

Say So by Dan + Shay

(Journal entry by Paige on 4/23/26): "Last week, I left Cooper at home with Scott. I took Chip to the neighborhood next to ours, parked, and curled into a ball hoping and wishing with the small amount of energy I had left inside of me that I would fall asleep and never wake up. This cocktail of challenges that I'm navigating felt like too much to bear in that moment, and it seemed simpler to just give it all up and die. 

I laid their for about 30 minutes until a primary song that I sing to Coop most nights before bed started playing in my head (Just Pray by: Shawna Edwards). I prayed for strength in that moment, and just cried to God at how unbearable life was feeling. I didn't feel like I could carry on one more moment, but I knew I couldn't end things. Haylee's voice saying how selfish suicide is kept popping into my mind, and I just couldn't ignore it... I imagined Scottie finding me and feeling absolutely crushed. I imagined Cooper grown up and blaming himself for not having a mother... I couldn't do that to them. Those images, and Haylee's voice kept me here in that moment. 

After I finished my very raw and rude prayer, I miraculously had the strength to open my eyes. I felt the sunshine now warming my entire body in the front seat, and looked around at the bright world around me. I turned the car on, and drove home to a very worried Scottie, who just held me as we cried. In that moment, I learned that God wants, and needs me to stay. Scottie wants, and needs me to stay. Coop needs me to stay. And I want to stay. I want to come through this whirlwind stronger and wiser and better. And I do have lots worth living for."

"As you wage personal wars, obviously part of the strength to “hang in there” comes from some glimpse, however faint and fleeting, of what the victory can be. It is as true as when Solomon said it that “where there is no vision, the people perish” (Prov. 29:18). If your eyes are always on your shoelaces, if all you can see is this class or that test, this date or that friend, this disappointment or that dilemma, then it really is quite easy to throw in the towel and stop the fight. But what if it is the fight of your life? Or more precisely what if it is the fight for your life, and your eternal life at that? What if beyond this class or that test, this date or that friend, this disappointment or that dilemma you really can see and hope for all the best and right things that God has to offer. Oh, it may be blurred a bit by the perspiration that keeps running riverlike into your eyes, and in a really difficult fight one of the eyes might even be closing a bit; but faintly, dimly, and ever so far away you can see the object of it all. And you say it is worth it, you do want it, you will fight on. Like Coriantumr, you will lean upon your sword to rest a while, then rise to fight again (see Ether 15:24–30)." -Elder Holland

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me." -Psalm 23:4

"When Jesus is your shepherd, even the valleys become Holy Ground. Let this season be a Holy Season. Your purpose has to be bigger than the pain." -Janessa Waite

The depth you gain as a human, from experiencing deep human suffering, and gaining strength from it, is worth everything. (Written by Paige on 5/2/26)

"Keep loving. Keep trying. Keep trusting. Keep believing. Keep growing. Heaven is cheering you on today, tomorrow, and forever." -Elder Holland

He is Building a Palace (C.S. Lewis)

"And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours." -D&C 78:18

"for when [you] fall [you] shall rise again, for [your] sacrifice shall be more sacred unto me than [your] increase, saith the Lord." -D&C 117:13

"For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." -Romans 8:18

"The submissive soul will be led aright, enduring some things well while being anxiously engaged in setting other things right—all the time discerning the difference. Required, in particular, is meekness of mind which recognizes God’s perfect love of us and His omniscience. By acknowledging these reassuring realities and accepting that God desires our full development and true happiness, we are readied even as the learning experiences come. 

Such meekness requires genuine intellectual honesty, owning up to the learning experiences of the past and listening to the Holy Ghost as he preaches to us from the pulpit of memory... But it is only the meek mind which can be so shown and so stretched—not those, as Isaiah wrote, who “are wise in their own eyes.” (Isa. 5:21; see also 2 Ne. 9:29 and 15:21.) 

God’s counsel aligns us and conjoins us with the great realities of the universe; whereas sin empties, isolates, and separates us, confining us to the solitary cell of selfishness. Hence the lonely crowd in hell. Spiritual submissiveness means, instead, community and communion as the mind and the heart become settled. 

We then spend much less time deciding, and much more time serving; otherwise, the more hesitation, the less inspiration. Yielding one’s heart to God signals the last stage in our spiritual development. Only then are we beginning to be fully useful to God! How can we sincerely pray to be an instrument in His hands if the instrument seeks to do the instructing?... true submissiveness greatly enlarges the soul, but without hypocrisy and guile. (See D&C 121:42.) 

Submissiveness also checks our tendency to demand advance explanations of the Lord as a perplexed yet trusting Nephi understood: “I know that [God] loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things... Just as the capacity to defer gratification is a sign of real maturity, likewise the willingness to wait for deferred explanation is a sign of real faith and of trust spread over time. If faithful, we end up acknowledging that we are in the Lord’s hands and should surrender to the Lord on His terms—not ours. It is total surrender, no negotiating; it is yielding with no preconditions.” (1 Ne. 11:17.)... It is only by yielding to God that we can begin to realize His will for us. And if we truly trust God, why not yield to His loving omniscience? After all, He knows us and our possibilities much better than do we... Otherwise, one can be too busy promoting his own agendum: “For they being ignorant of God’s righteousness, and going about to establish their own righteousness, have not submitted themselves unto the righteousness of God.” (Rom. 10:3.)... 

While most of our suffering is self-inflicted, some is caused by or permitted by God. This sobering reality calls for deep submissiveness, especially when God does not remove the cup from us. In such circumstances, when reminded about the premortal shouting for joy as this life’s plan was unfolded (see Job 38:7), we can perhaps be pardoned if, in some moments, we wonder what all the shouting was about. For the faithful, what finally emerges is an understanding of “things as they really are” (Jacob 4:13), such as the reassuring realization that we are in the Lord’s hands! But, brothers and sisters, we were never really anywhere else!... The more we study, pray, and ponder the awesome Atonement, the more we are willing to acknowledge that we are in His and the Father’s hands." -Niel A. Maxwell (READ THIS ENTIRE TALK!! - Paige)

Faith not to be healed (voice recording transcription from Paige 3/31/2026): "This recovery has been filled with a whole lot of: "We're praying for you", "We're fasting specifically for your healing", "We're praying that you'll be healed fully"... But to be completely honestly, I don't believe in prayers of healing right now. I don't. I think it creates a false sense of hope. I think it creates false expectations. And I just don't think it's productive to pray for a specific outcome, if it's not in God's cards... 

To be clear, I do believe in prayer. But I'm so hesitant to go about it in a way that asks God for a specific outcome. First of all, I know that I can't put God into a box. I know that he's very much in control of this situation, but he's allowing mortality to happen to me. What He knows that I need to happen, will happen, and I trust that. I've seen it happen over an over again in my life. But then there's the other aspect of not wanting to get my hopes up. It hurts too bad. I've been hurt too much these past 10 months. Everything hurts. Every unmet expectation hurts. And it hurts too much to pray and to ask for something and to hope for that, and then to NOT see it come to fruition. I just want to heal so bad... But to know that I still have more left in this healing journey... potentially years more of managing these stupid symptoms.... More surgeries to repair it, on top of the complexities of immunosuppression, and managing my autoimmune disease, and wanting so bad to continue growing our family... At this point the unknown of if I can even be healed at all, feels like an almost unbearably vulnerable place to be in. 

So, anyway, I'm not sure where that puts my faith. But it does make me ask the question: "Do I have faith NOT to be healed, but to still trust God?"... And I think I do. And unfortunately, I think that's gonna be the case. But it's probably gonna work out, right? And God is gonna give me what I need to get through it. He always does. He always will. That's why he sent Jesus. The story of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane just keeps popping into my mind when He felt like He couldn't go further. And He asked that God remove this cup from him. But then Jesus said: "Not my will, but thine be done". And that's where I'm at. Not that I'm trying to compare myself to Jesus by any means, but I guess I'm at the point where whatever God needs me to do, I guess I'm willing to do it. 

So I guess I'll just pray for strength. Pray for an open heart. Pray to be willing. So that's what I'll pray for. Because I don't believe in prayers of healing right now. I don't believe that my will can, or will, ever change God's will. And I know it's probably for the better. Because God has made so much more out of my life with chronic health issues, and things so far out of my control, and they've always turned into blessings. So I'll have hope that He can turn this experience into something positive as well. And maybe He won't. Maybe it's just a game of endurance, and I guess that's okay too. So those are my thoughts."

(Written by Paige on 4/23/26): I think I can safely say that I'm an expert at fearing burdening other people with my challenges haha... and maybe that's why God has granted me such unique coctails of mortal challenges, at various points in my life, as a method of FORCING me to learn to rely on others. 

Maybe this is true, maybe it's not, but regardless: "mourning with those that mourn, comforting those that stand in need of comfort", and allowing others to do the same for us in our times of need, are what we covenant to do at baptism. It can be painful at times to allow someone to glimpse your weaknesses, vulnerabilities, mistakes, and challenges, and I'm not advocating that you do this if it feels forced or unnatural. You are completely allowed to protect your vulnerabilites from others, but know that sharing something that's hard and being vulnerable might be exactly what the other person might need to hear to help them through their trials. 

I mean think about it this way: if you're anything like me, you find a lot of joy in serving others. It's fulfilling in an undescribable sort of way when you're able to follow promptings, or help someone in a way that was so immensely criticle for them in that moment of their life. I can't really find something that tops this type of fulfillment for me. What if opening up to someone about the hard and vulnerable and tender things that you're stuggling with helps the person you're talking to with their challenges in that sort of way? What it helps put their own challenges into perspective? What if it gives them an opportunity to feel a connection to heaven that they wouldn't have had otherwise? What if they're in a season of their life where things are pretty smoothly and they're looking for additional ways that they can serve? What if opening up and asking for help is EXACTLY what they're needing to help strengthen their own relationship with our Savior, and Father in Heaven? Because isn't that the whole point? Progress, and becoming more like God through Christ?

Obvioulsy I'm no where near perfect at this, but I'm grateful to have been able to wrestle with this and to have felt deep, undeniable fulfillment and connection with heaven as I'm seeking ways to lets others close to me into my struggles, and trusting that they won't judge me, that they actually want to help me, and that I'm not a burden for them. I'm finding over and over again that these fears are never actually valid, and that if I were in their shoes, I'd be equally happy and eager to help if someone like me reached out. So maybe asking for help isn't even about you anyway? Maybe helping you through your trials is part of their mortal journey, and you're not allowing it to be...

(as I'm writing this I'm thinking that I REALLY should take my own advice haha...)

Hindsight it 20/20. Painful, but true. (Written by Paige on 5/2/26)

If not this, then what? (voice recording transcription from Paige 4/30/2026): "This is all an adventure, right? Like, sure, I wouldn't have chosen any of this for myself (or for my worst enemy), but Scott said the other day, "what else would we be doing?"... Looking back on the last 10 months of so many ups and downs mentally, emotionally, and physically, maybe if those things didn't happen, life wouldn't have slowed down in a way that was really necessary for me, personally, to progress and to really understand the importance of motherhood and the focus that I need to have here. I don't know if any other schenario would have derailed me so completely from certain life paths that I was on, and I think that's exactly what needed to happen to get me back on the right course, focused on the things that really matter. And, looking back, our little family has been able to experience some pretty magical things. Like Scott being able to work from home so often and being really involved in Cooper's life! Cooper LOVES his dad, and being able to tag-team parenthood with Scottie, while being able to continue working, has been such a blessing. We have been able to experience so many adventures together: like all kinds of doctors appointments and procedures, going to to Kansas City for surgery and doctors visits, staying in crazy Airbnbs, having an overnight hospital stay... it's all just opportunities to learn, to have more adventures, and to experience, again and again, mortality: This human experience that we're meant to experience. And that's not to say, it's easy. Um, it's freaking hard. But it's worth it, and it's exciting, and when the calm after the storm finally comes (and it does), these experiences mean so much. The wrestle means so much. There's so much pride in looking back and seeing all the challenges you navigated and all the progress you've made, and I'm feeling that. In this moment, I'm deeply proud of myself, and the steps that I've taken towards, hopefully, sustainably keeping my perspective a little bit more in-check. Keeping my paradigm more correctly focused."

Key Principles of Suffering in Buddhism

The Three Types of Dukkha (Suffering):

• Painful Experience: Physical and emotional discomfort, such as pain, illness, or sadness.

• The Suffering of Change: The anxiety and insecurity arising because pleasure and happy moments are impermanent.

• Conditioned/Compound Suffering: A deeper, subtle sense of unease or unsatisfactoriness with life.

The Three Poisons (Causes of Suffering):

• Greed/Craving: The relentless desire for sensory pleasures, existence, or non-existence.

• Hatred/Aversion: Resisting, fearing, or disliking situations, people, or emotions.

• Ignorance/Delusion: Misunderstanding the nature of reality, specifically that things are impermanent and not worth clinging to.

The Two Arrows Analogy: Pain is inevitable (the first arrow), but suffering is our mental reaction to pain—like clinging or panic—which is optional (the second arrow).

Root Cause: The ultimate root is craving (tanha), which stems from a lack of understanding of the true, impermanent nature of existence.

Ending Suffering: The third Noble Truth holds that by letting go of this craving and attachment, one can achieve freedom from suffering, known as Nirvana.

The Girl and the Backpack (By: Paige McKenna Koch)

Practical Tip (from Paige 6/17/2026): Write all your qualms down, get it all out (see my response to Allee below). It feels good to process through it all, then leave it there and move on. It almost gives you freedom to let it all go, knowing it's well-documented somewhere, so you can move on to bigger and better things as a stronger and brighter human ready to take on what comes next! 

"The change you've been attempting to manufacture in your life requires an entirely different approach. One that is beyond the scope of your own insight, understanding, performance, strength, and ability. For this reason, you must understand that information alone will not insight dynamic, meaningful life change. Good information without consistent application overtime, by the power of the holy spirit, will NEVER produce transformation. And as I said earlier, the self-creation, self-healing narrative is bound to implode eventually. Because it is like a house without a solid foundation. Its walls have been built on the lies that say: that you are the architect of your own destiny, that you can manifest whatever life you desire, that this work of transformation is all on you, and that you must self-protect and self-promote because the disapointment of your past "proves" that God is apparently incapable and unwilling to keep you safe... The truth is that the Lord has never been absent from your life, even if your perception of His presence told you the opposite. As has always been the case, unlimited power has been avaliable for God's pusposes to be accomplished in your life... God gives us the will and the power for life. Without question, transformation is indeed the better path. And wholeness is the better destination." (Healing What you Can't Erase by: Christopher Cook)

A normal human experience (voice recording transcription from Paige 4/29/2026): "I've had some dark, dark moments recently. Feelings of deep sadness, depression, anxiety for the future, and hatred/resentment towards myself, others, and God. These feelings have been very real human response to some pretty painful human experiences that I've been navigating. My brain is trying to, "close the loop".. to understand. To make meaning out of these big, and real moments of suffering. But I'm ready to start feeling better now. I want to feel better! I've sought professional help and now have systems in place to help me navigate some of my louder responses to these challenges. I feel that I have a better grasp on my brain, and now I'm feeling the desire to get outside of myself again! To get outside of my brain, get outside of my head, get outside of my problems. Go build relationships with others. Open up and be vulnerable. Let people into my suffering. I've really been trying to open up and be vulnerable with people that I never thought I'd be able to open up to about these things, and once I do, I palpably feel lighter."

The Song of the King (by Max Lucado)

"Some people go into professions, some people go into the military. Some people go into the arts. Some people go into the vocations and the crafts and the trades, and all of those are excellent choices. It's just that we need to grow from where we are as young people, as youth, and continue, as President Nelson talkes about, in lifelong learning. We have to prepare ourselves. We need to prepare ourselves. It's a religious obligation, he said, so that we can be of service to other people. It's not just for our own edification, our own income. Those things matter, but really we want to be of service in society, in the church, and in the broader community. So I want to emphasize, there's no one profession, no one occupation, no one training that's best for 100% of all of us. But each of us chooses a path, and we can change it as we go along and learn. You are not expected to know everything at the beginning. You don't see the end from the beginning. And sometimes, it's just: "Give me this day my daily bread" (Matthew 6:11). I need this day, and I'll move to that step, and then see where we go after that". And that's okay, you don't need to know it all." -Elder D. Todd Christofferson

You are Special (by Max Lucado)

Mortality sometimes has a way of slowing us down, or limiting us in some way. For me, my life has come to a staggaring halt after having Coop, as I've felt every single aspect of identity demolished to unrecognizable shambles. But maybe the point is: painfully pointing out the things that I've been so hyper-focused on, that aren't serving me any more. (Written by Paige on 4/29/26)

"He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn't produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more." (John 15:2 NLT)

"Are you willing to let God prevail in your life? Are you willing to let God be the most important influence in your life?" -Pres. Nelson

You're allowed to have ups and downs. Some days are better than others, that's all part of the mortal experience. It becomes a game of moderating those emotions and anchoring your worth and identity to Christ. Analyze the metrics you're using to measure your worth. (Written by Paige on 5/2/26)

Important questions to consider, right now:

• What is the most important thing to you right now? 

• If you could change one thing in your life right now that would impact everything, what would it be?

• What takes up the majority of your time and attention right now?

• In the grand scheme of things, does this thing really matter? 

• What would happen if you released the morality you're associating with this thing?

• How would you feel if your worth wasn't tied up in whether or not you're successful at this thing?

I am worthy (voice recording transcription from Paige 4/29/2026): "The worth of souls is GREAT in the sight of God. I have been trying to figure out how to put this into words, but I've been reflecting on past versions of myself: 1) the me who was preparing for birth and then, 2) the postpartum me who was mourning a lot of things. I think the one piece of advice that I would give to those versions of myself would be: Take an inventory of how you're perceiving your worth. What conditions and criteria you have in place to measure your own worth. I think that can look different for everybody. I think everybody is probably navigating this question to some extent, and it's really eye-opening to identify where we have expectations and standards for ourselves, and if these align with the standards and expectations that God has for us. We inherently have worth, simply because we're children of God. Not because we've earned it, not because we need to earn it, not because we can earn it, not because we deserve it... but simply because we've been created by a loving God, who loves us beyond understanding simply because we're HIS. We are worth something great to God. So as I'm reflecting on the things, moments, and accomplishments, that I've been so attached to for the past couple years, it's pretty humbling to recognize that my chokehold on these things has been the key reason why I've suffered so much after Cooper's birth. For me, my worth was so deeply tied up in a few different things:

1. Unmedicated birth: I believed that I would feel worthy when I successfully could do this thing that we were divinely designed to do as women. Any other method of birthing equaled failure to the deepest degree. I even projected this belief on other women before I had even given birth to Cooper: if they had C-sections, they failed to do something in their power to avoid that outcome... How stupidly naieve of me. First off, I had no room to judge having never even birthed a baby. Second off, everything went literally by the BOOK in my delivery with Cooper, and I still ended up with an outcome that I have no control over... literally so much can happen during and after birth. And even if it does go exactly right, does is really matter in the grand scheme of things? Is how you birth babies really a metric of measuring worth? After wrestling with this very question for months now, I can confidently say that I don't believe God measures our worth by how we bring his babies into this world. And I thank him day after day that I can look forward to hopefully bringing another baby into this world thanks to modern medicine and surgical birthing methods.

2. Doing it all: This is one that I'm still wrestling with, but have made a lot of progress on recently. I've believed, to my freaking core, that "I would be worthy if I could successfully manage a full-time job while being a full-time mom, all on my own". For me, that meant grinding and sacrificing myself completely (my physical health, my mental health, my calling, my social life, my relationship with heaven...) for my job for Cooper. Essentially martying myself for my job and for motherhood. Doing this, and losing myself in this frenzie of business and stress and deadlines and needs, meant that I was worthy... I'm learning that as much as motherhood and work are worthy endeavors, if I'm killing myself for both, I need to let one go. And it's definitely NOT gonna be motherhood haha... that's my favorite job yet!

I keep wondering why I'm always putting expecations and metrics on my worth: "I am worthy if I am worthy if..." What if I could change the "I am worthy if" to, "I am worthy. Period." Not by deserving, not by earning, not because of anything, but just: "I am worthy". How would my life, and how I show up for myself and others change if I had a deep and grounded sense of this inherent worth?"

How you show up in conversations is a direct reflection of what you consume in your own time. (thought from Paige 6/17/2026)

You are NOT a product. Embrace this human experience that you're having with all it's ups and downs. Detach yourself from this digital space where everything is performative. Quit turning your life into something you can "monetize", "market", or "build"... it's removing the humanity from the life you're living. As a hyper-connected society, we're hyper-aware of what everyone else is doing and feeling and building and accomplishing... it's detaching us from our own lives, our own feelings, our own humanity, our own relationships... it's toxic, and it requires a COMPLETE paradigm shift to step away from this way of thinking. Chronically living online is homogenizing us as a society... we can't think for ourselves anymore, we can't discern between right and wrong, we're chronically sad and lonely... it's terrible. GET OFF THE INTERNET. Delete social media accounts. Shift your paradigm. Live in the here and now. Build meaninful and fulfilling relationships in REAL LIFE... let yourself feel without thinking you have to perform. Your life doesn't have to become a show for other people. The world cares about engagment, God cares about progress. Choose to engage with God instead. (Written by Paige on 4/23/26)

Listen to this podcast episode.

Living vs. Performing (voice recording transcription from Paige 4/29/2026): "I've been listening to this podcast right now and it's putting into words exactly what I've been trying to verbalize, and I just haven't known how. So here's my takeaways: Spending time on social media, if that becomes our context for measuring value, if that's where we find our worth, if that's our lens that we're observing life through, then we, as users or presenters on that platform are viewing ourselves as products. And so when we observe our life as a business, or as opportunities to grow a business, or opportunities to monetize, all of a sudden our life becomes a marketing scheme or an opportunity to optimize, because we become products rather than people. We live our lives to perform as opposed to just living, learning, and collecting real life experiences. All of a sudden, our lives become about optimizing. Turning our deeply human struggles into something that we capture and optimize for views, likes, and engagment. This has become so normal for us know. Such a normal way to view life, and what success looks like. What if this isn't true? What if this framework for life is completely WRONG? What if we're not supposed to perform through life, and have it all together, but rather allow life and mortality, God and Christ to move us and season us and change us. Deeply, authentically, and without performing for anyone. What if deep change only can happen through deep and real and uncaptured human experiences, as opposed to optimizing and capturing these experiences for users to view? The only viewer we should be concerned about is God. And so if that's the case, there is no expectation required. There's no end goal besides the nature of our soul at the end of our mortal journey. And that's not something that can be measured, or that grows and changes linearly. The nature of your soul goes through phases. That's the human experience, and that's the experience that I want to have. But it's hard to shift the paradigm that so many of us have bought into: that we're a product that needs to be optimized or the views, follows, and monetization. Do I have courage to step away from that? Despite people still deeply valuing that as a metric for success, self-actualization, and validation. I think as I'm processing through some of these thoughts, I have a lot of guilt associated with this topic. I'm kind of ashamed at how I've been living my life over these past five or six years. I've been living through this lens. I've been living my life in a performative way. I've adopted the belief that I have to have everything together, that being vulnerable and not having things figured out is weakness, that every experience has to be a closed loop (meaning there's something to learn from every challenge and trial, and I better learn it quickly. I better close the loop quickly). Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of the human experience? Like, yes, we're supposed to learn lessons, but like, in due time, right? Like after some wrestling and after some struggling, right? Like, it's through the wrestle of training that we're ready to run that half marathon. It's through the training and through the journey that we're prepared to perform when race day comes. So sure, we can ask: "what's the lesson here?" And yes, I've been asking myself that over and over again the past 10 months. But I don't know that I can answer that, and I don't know that I will ever be able to answer that. But reguardless of if I get that 20/20 vision, and find meaning in all this, I'm allowed to just let myself have this human experience, and I don't have to live my life in a performative way. I'm not a product. I'm a human. And I'm here experiencing mortality, and the goal is becoming like God. Becoming like a loving Father who is very much watching over this experience. He is allowing me to have this experience, and I'm a sterward over it. God won't stop mortality from happening to me. He's not gonna stop these difficult experiences from progressing because he understands the process. He understands the developmenet that can come through days and months and weeks and years of processing and wrestling. And that's the process of becoming. It's discovering again and again that we need Jesus. The only path is Jesus, and we need the strength found only through Jesus. We need the foundation found through Jesus. We need Jesus' example to follow. We need promises and ordinances to keep us anchored to Jesus. That's all part of the process. And so, I'd like to releasing this idea that I have to live in a performative way, always have things figured out, have every loop closed, and never appear vulnerable. It's not serving me, and the reality is, we should need help. That's part of mortality. And it doesn't mean that I'll need help forever. It doesn't mean that I'll feel weak forever, but that's just part of life and becoming seasoned is realizing you can't do this on your own, and asking for help. So in this moment, I want to invite people into my circle, and into my suffering. It's proving to lighten my load, despite it being painful to wrestle with feeling weak."

"Because a transformed life is an effective, overcoming life. Sadly, however, too many of us stay stuck repeating patterns that don't catalyze systemic change. Because we've used self-creation and self-healing as a substitute for true, holy spirit-empowered formation and transformation according to the way and practice of Jesus. But the truth is that you do not have to self-protect, self-promote, and take care of yourself any longer. You don't have to perform you way to wholeness. Your past disappointments may seem to make a plausible case that God is incapable of keeping you safe, of worse, unwilling to do so. Yet, please trust me when I implore you, from personal experience, to relinquish your penchant toward an independent spirit, even when it doesn't make sense to your rational mind. There is a better option... Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may descern what is the will of God. What is good and acceptable and perfect." The message paraphrases this passage perfectly. Here's what I want you to do, God helping you. Take your everyday, ordinary life. Your sleeping, eating, going to work, and walking around life, and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention of God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what He wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. What is the worlds pattern of thinking? "Trust yourself, follow your heart, live your truth, look inside yourself to find the truth of who you are". But my friend, it's a trap. When your locust of authority and guidence is yourself, you are bound for shipwreck. At the end of the day, the step toward freedom and wholeness is your choice. So will you come out of hiding? Will you surrender your penchant towards independence? Will you be honest about your trust issues? Will you ask for help? Will you receive fresh wisdom from the one who gives generously to all without reproach? Who told you that your freedom and healing were all up to you anyway? Because they aren't." (Healing What you Can't Erase by: Christopher Cook)

We live in a world that glorifies the grind. Slow down. Experience mortality. Work will always be there. In the same breath though, there are seasons for everything, just be careful about letting those seasons distract you from the greater purpose in all this: Experiencing life, and allowing God to mold you with the help of our brother, Jesus Christ. (Written by Paige on 4/29/26)

"For the Present is the point at which time touches eternity." (C.S. Lewis, Screwtape Letters)

The story of the Israelites in the wilderness for 40 years: that's a microcosm of mortality (see Come Follow Me: April 27 - May 3)

Without permission haha, you can find Allee's talk linked here. :)

Allee,

Thank you for following the prompting to share your talk with me. It was profound, and wholly appropriate timing as I'm entering a season of a bit more simplicity and peace than I've experienced in a long time.

I'd like to think that I could describe this past year with more spiritual-optimism, framing it as "the refiners fire" (or something along those lines), but truthfully, I can describe this past year in no better way than "pure hell". One thing after another, issues just kept piling on: a rare and life-altering birth injury leading to: prolonged healing, incontinence, infections, and severe complications. Breastfeeding issues, a baby with colic, sleep deprivation, loss of identity in every context (physical, spiritual, social, mental, professional...), severe postpartum mood disorders, a flared autoimmune disease leading to irreversible tissue damage in my lungs, severe fatigue due to hypothyroidism, countless procedures and a major pelvic reconstructive surgery, a full year of recovery all while exclusively pumping and working full-time... truly my own type of hell. 

And yes, in the midst of this "hell", I did, in fact, proclaim that I did NOT "believe in miracles" (as noted by Allee in her talk, as well as in various locations on this here website). Amongst the layering circumstances, I just simply couldn't see how prayer could possibly improve the very real, severe, and life-altering symptoms that I was experiencing day after day. My awful circumstances felt deeply hopeless at times, and I can distinctly remember two painful moments, when my life, already feeling too heavy to bear, bore more bad news pushing me to the lowest points I've ever been. It felt like salt rubbed in wide-open wounds, followed by an abusive beating on the head, then being drowned in mud (figuritevely speaking, of course... but that's how I feel I can best decribe how these moment felt). The pain was just simply too much to bear. 

In those moments, I crumbled in hopeless. wanting nothing more to do with my life. I wanted to close my eyes and never wake up. I wanted to crawl under a rock and disappear. I wanted so bad for the pain, anxiety, sadness, shame, and hopelessness to disappear. I wanted relief so desperately that I physically ached for it. And despite praying day after day, getting priesthood blessings promising healing, and being aware of the countless family members and friends praying and fasting for me, nothing was improving. In fact, things only kept getting worse... 

I fought to nurse Cooper for 3 months... I wanted it to work so bad, but 1-hr of nursing followed by 20-minutes of pumping and bottle-feeding, just to do it over again 30-minutes later was literally sucking the life out of me. So after discovering that Cooper wasn't gaining weight, despite the long hours we were spending attached to one another, I decided to exclusively pump from then on. I mourned that loss deeply. I hated those damn pumps. I hated myself for failing to do something that God designed women to do. I felt like an idiot for not being able to figure it out. It was devastating. And it was heart-wrenching to watch my sister and friends with babies nurse so easily, and talk to me about how much they loved it. I was so ashamed of myself that I'd hide away in the car during church to pump and bottle-feed Cooper, hoping that no one would see me feeding him that way... I was beyond embarrassed, and so deeply ashamed. 

Months after delivery, I still hadn't healed from birth. A birth that, for my own record, went exactly how I'd hoped that it would: 12 hours (10 spent laboring at home, then 2 spent at the hospital before Coop arrived), no interventions, just me and Scottie working together to bring this beautiful baby that we'd made into the world. It was euphoric and empowering and went so incredibly smooth. I felt peaceful and in-control the entire time, and things went exactly how I'd planned and hoped that they would. I was so proud of myself and Scottie, after preparing and studying for so long. But little did I know that a misdiagnosed 4th degree tear, left un-repaired, would change the course of my life forever... 

The weeks immediately after birth, that should've been focused on bonding with our new baby, were spent in and out of emergency rooms and doctors offices, while experiencing the most horrific physical pain I'd ever experienced. All this followed by multiple lengthy courses of antibiotics, inducing GI-related colic to my nursing newborn, and a procedure at 3-weeks postpartum. To say the least, it was a less-than ideal way start to motherhood. And with a small hope of healing on my own, as the months progressed, I still wasn't healing. In fact, my symptoms were barely improving. Each day was accompanied by severe pain, bleeding, and a deep anxiety around leaving the house, due to incontinence-related issues. These days, weeks and months were dark. To describe things simply: I felt disgusting and ashamed. I hated that I still hadn't recovered, especially because a quick recovery was my motivation behind avoiding interventions during birth. I couldn't make sense of how something like this could've happened! And why did it have to happen to me?! My only explanation was that I was my fault. I believed that if I somehow could've done something different, to avoid tearing as bad as I did, that I would've had a better outcome. That I would've avoided this rare, and life-altering injury... But as much as I wrestled with this possiblity, the painful truth was, I couldn't change my reality. This was my reality, and it was shattering. So completely shattering.

With hopes of recovering on my own getting slimmer as the days and weeks ticked on, I opted to get a second opinion. I was met with a painful, but firm recommendation to seek surgical repair ASAP, to improve my quality of life, and to plan for Cesarian births moving forward. Once again, shattering news. After experiencing such a beautiful and easy natural delivery with Cooper, I wanted so desperately to experience that again. I believed that physiological birth is what God created our bodies to do, and I'd actually experienced the magic of it first-hand! But as much as I tried to convince myself that I could attempt it again, I couldn't shake the reality that this current issue would likely only get worse. And so a c-section could hopefully at least provide a predictable recovery. Once again, I was met with devistation. Something that I'd held so near to my heart, was ripped from me, leaving me with no options and ongoing symptoms that I still had to deal with. So to surgery I went.

At this point, I was getting more anxious and depressed by the day. With my symptoms continuing, and an invasive reconstructive surgery looming, I received fresh news that my autoimmune disease was in a state of flare and progressing into new areas of my lungs. I was informed that I was at risk of experiencing more long-term tissue damage if not treated soon. With this news, I was feeling completely and utterly hopeless. How was I expected to manage all of this all at once?! How was I expected to heal from a deeply invasive pelvic reconstruction surgery, while breastfeeding, and now being encouraged to go back on immunosuppresive drugs as soon as I could?! It was all just too much. 

Overwhelmed by it all, my depressive bouts became more and more frequent and severe. I'd have longer and longer stretches where darkness would close in around me. I blamed myself for everything that was happening. I hated the person I'd become. I was ashamed at my incompetence at being a mother. I believed that I deserved to feel pain. I harmed myself. No amount of hoping or wishing or praying could convince me that my circumstances would or could improve. There was nothing to hope for, and I wanted to die. 

But if you've read my previous entries on this little site here, you'll know that in this darkest of moments, when all felt hopeless and lost, Jesus saved me. His love and His light saved me. His presence and peace gave me enough strength to make it one more step, to survive one more day. And that day turned into another, and another, until the weeks started passing, and months, and slowly I've started regaining my footing. And today, feeling more and more like myself, I can finally say that I feel happy again! I feel excited about life again! And as we're approaching Cooper's first birthday, I'm reflecting on what Allee argued in her talk: that "we MUST believe in miracles"... and I think I agree with her! After all this... going to hell and back... miracles upon miracles have happened. They're continuing to happen. And as begrudging as I am to say this, being able to identify these miracles, and feel this deep closeness to my Savior and the enabling and redeeming power of His Atonement, it has made every single one of my challenges this past year deeply meaningful and WORTH EVERYTHING. Truly, 100%, worth EVERYTHING. 

As dad has quoted to us in the past: “For the simplicity that lies this side of complexity, I would not give a fig, but for the simplicity that lies on the other side of complexity, I would give my life.” (Oliver Wendell Holmes). No truer statement.

So yes, Allee, you're right. We MUST believe in miracles. Because they're real. And they DO happen, but in the Lord's timing (which from my experience, takes a LOT of patience and trust). But eventually, healing WILL happen: body, mind, and spirit. It may not look or feel how we expected, but healing will come. And with eyes to see, we'll notice how we've been molded into something uniquly beautiful and meaninful in the hands of God. It's only through the fire that we're refined, and as much as we'd like to speed up the refining process, only the Lord knows what he wants us to be shaped into, and what it will require to get us there. So our job is to trust Him. As hopeless as our circumstances may feel at times, we MUST trust Him, and we MUST believe that miracles can and WILL happen. Because God truly does love us, and He needs us on His team to share the message of redeeming grace and strength that can only be experienced through His son, Jesus Christ. So thank you Allee, for calling me to repentance. I love you.

Love,

Paige (6/16/2026)

Charity is developed in the process of becoming more like our Savior. (thought from Paige 6/17/2026)

"Enduring to the end is linked inextricably to the spiritual gift of charity. Enduring to the end is not merely a relentless determination to grit our teeth, hold on to the limits of our physical strength and mental capacity, and push through the challenges and adversities of mortal life; it is so much more than that.

Enduring to the end is the joyous quest of a lifetime—a pressing forward with faith in Jesus Christ in a gradual process of trusting in and receiving help from our Savior to become more like Him. As our love for Him grows ever stronger and deeper, we can be blessed to receive spiritual perspective, the Lord’s empowering grace, and exceedingly great and indescribable joy." (Elder Bednar)

• There's NO "right way" to mother. Your baby just needs you.

• Motherhood is more enjoyable when you're actually enjoying life. A lot of caveats here, having just exited a season of deep depression and challenge, but choosing to prioritize my own hobbies and things that I enjoy, and bringing Cooper along for the ride has proven to make my life deeply enjoyable and fulfilling. And I have to believe that it's good exposure for Coop as well haha! He spends time walking/crawling around a dirty gym floor while I shoot hoops, shopping at Target and Trader Joe's way too frequently, sitting on my lap banging on the piano keys while I try and pluck away learning a new song, playing with kitchen untensils on the floor while I cook dinner, and sitting in the stroller for way longer than I'm sure is ideal for a baby while I go on long long walks outside. It's been good for me to continue living my life and doing things that fill my bucket, and just bringing my little buddy along for the ride.

• Mother = Opportunity Creator (I learned this from my own mom. Love you mom!). My job is to create opportunities for my kids to:

  • Feel the spirit & grow their testimony of the Savior

  • Learn and grown (physically, mentally, emotionally, & socially)

  • Experience new things & discover what brings them joy

"Whether you are a young mother, a young father, a grandparent, or a primary teacher or leader, we hope you can feel this important truth deeply in your heart: YOU were chosen by God to shepherd the hearts of the beautiful children who have been placed into your care. This entitles you to the blessings of heaven! God will magnify you. He will multiply and bless your efforts. He has called you to this role. We hope you will never underestimate the difference you make with each word, each smile, each effort, and each sacrifice." (Latter Day Kids)

This section is not to be confused with FAQ's from all my adoring fans... lol, these are simply the "Frequently Asked Questions" plaguing my brain at the moment. So leaving them here, in hopes of releasing some unnecessary feelings of anxiety and worry:

1. What if my breathing never improves?

2. What if I never feel like myself again?

3. What if I die while Cooper is still young? What if I leave Scottie behind?

4. Am I afraid of dying?

5. What if next postpartum is just as rough as this one?

6. What if I quit my job?

7. Do I still wanna start a business?

8. Do I still wanna do humanitarian work?

9. Am I nervous to get a c-section for my next birth?

10. What if I can't have another baby?

11. Am I open to adoption?

12. Why can't I get my nervous system to calm the freak down?

13. Why is my brain always so loud?

14. Am I missing out on opportunities? Am I leaving potential unfulfilled because of where I'm currently spending my time?

15. Am I a good enough mother? Is Cooper developing how he needs to despite me being partially focused on work and my health, instead of solely focused on motherhood?

16. If I don't work, what would I focus my time on outside of motherhood? Should I be taking steps now to set things up for myself for when I do quit?

I've been reading through old letters and journals recently, and reflecting on past versions of myself, especially high school me who showed up (admittedly, somewhat naively) optimistic day after day while facing some pretty life-altering health challenges at the end of my senior year. That girl still inspires me, and I still feel so proud of how she handled those tough moments when I reflect back. But now here I am, 8 years later... yes, still managing ongoing symptoms related to that original health diagnosis. This has simply become my "new normal": ongoing inflammation management through diet and lifestyle, annual (and often more frequent) airway dilations under general anesthsia, aggressive intervention treatments every few years for larger flares... it's all just part of my life at this point haha! And honestly, I don't really think about it all that much anymore! Besides the seasons of more aggressive treatments, which slow life down a lot, I really get to just live my life, which has been such a blessing! But over the past year, more layers have been added to my health story and it has literally rocked my world. It's rocked my faith, my optimistic outlook on life, and even my desire to live. I haven't been the optimistic girl that I used to be, willing to take on new challenges with all faith that God is in control. I don't have faith like I used to. I don't really believe that God is aware of me anymore... now I'm just a weak, sour, pessimistic girl who's completely allowing herself to be knocked down so completely by life, with no interest of fighting back any more... Have I really digressed this much?! (written by Paige on July 13, 2026)

As humans, we're built for relationships. And looking back, I've gone through so many ebbs and flows of all kinds of relationships throughout my short time so far here on earth: Moments of friendship with a person for a short period of time, only to fall out of contact wondering where they're at now. Moments of deep conversation, followed by months of quiet. Moments of conflict and deep distance with close family members, only to fall back into step and figure things out years down the road. Moments of chemistry and connection, that build into something deep, and complicated, and beautiful, and eternal... These ebbs and flows are part of the intricacies of life, and part of the beauty of mortality. These moments and relationships, no matter how fleeting or long-lasting they are, make life meaningful. Sometimes challenging, painful, and complicated... but always meaningful in the end, and deeply deeply fulfilling. And despite how a relationship is sparked, how it's built, and how it might end, it's interesting for me to reflect back on the countless people who have passed in and out of my life, leaving their own unique mark on my soul, whether through words, experiences, or feelings. This section is dedicated to them. And if you've been one of the remarkable souls who I've been blessed to know and connect with in some capacity during this life, I hope you know the impact you've left on my heart.

A bit of context: I find deep meaning in writing, and I'm a collector of meaningful words (maybe you've gathered haha...). But I've kept meaningful notes and letters that have been sent my way since I was a little girl. I recently rediscovered my stash of letters as I've been going through my old journals and artifacts, trying to rediscover some things about myself during a period of deep reflection. I'm feeling inspired to highlight a few deeply meaningful words shared with me from a few of these letters. 

Apologies for some of the more vague citings. I do want to maintain a semblance of anonymity to some of the more private correspondences, but I do want to give credit where credit is due. With that said, here are some highlights from letters I've been blessed to receive from individuals who have impacted my heart in some capacity thus far, as well as how they inspired deeper reflection and learning of my own:

FROM MISSIONARIES:

Serving a mission was always something I wanted to do when I was younger, but as soon as the age was changed for sisters and literally EVERYBODY started going, I got a little rebellious and didn't really consider it any more. Plus, after getting diagnosed with some pretty severe health conditions at the end of high school, a mission wasn't really on the table for me anymore. But ANYWAY haha... despite not serving a mission myself (and maybe feeling a little bit of resentment towards missions in general), I have been deeply impacted by the service of a few specific individuals who I was able to write while they served they're own missions as representatives of our Savior, Jesus Christ. See the following:

1. "Nothing in this life is possible alone. And if it were possible,  it would probably be a lot better with the help of another. DON'T FORGET THAT! We aren't put on this earth to make decisions alone. We are blessed with family, friends, teachers, etc. that help us through this life. But most importatnly, you have your Father in Heaven and your Savior Jesus Christ. Paige, you're never alone. You're loved more than you could ever imagine. Your Father in Heavan let His son, Jesus Christ, die for you, suffer for you, bleed for you, weep for you, and LIVE AGAIN for you because He loves you. So yes, things always will change. Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worst, but in all of the experiences of life, Christ is right there with you. EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. Trust in Him and let yourself feel His love, ok?" (Sister Haylee McKenna, 7/18/2017). Haylee, your mission meant so much to me. I think it's becuase you're older than me, but out of all the sisters, yours was the mission I was most invested in (sorry Allee and Maren haha!). You were and are an amazing example to me, and now reading these words back, I'm realizing once again that you were (and continue to be) an amazing representative of and for our Savior Jesus Christ. Love you Hay!

2. Another one from Haylee/Sis. McKenna, from that same letter on July 18, 2017: "Do fears come from a lack of faith? I had an interview with my mission president yesterday and he was asking me about how I feel about being senior companion. I said, I feel good but at times it scares me. I don't feel like I'm good enough. He said, "Sis. McKenna, that's how you GROW. If it were easy, there would be no point in your missions. Let these feelings of fear and inadequacy push you to be better". He then said, "I remember when you were made a senior companion. Heavenly Father showed me that this is what you needed to be right now. You may not see your potential, but He does. When you don't find the strength you need in yourself, look to the savior and find your strength in him." Paige, I know the same is for you too. I don't know what your fear is , and it's probably more than one thing, same as me. But if I could say anyting it would be the words of my president: The Lord knows you better, so find your strength in Him."

3. "[Coasting] is so big in life, especially the mission. I feel that I have been coasting. I feel it's because... one stops and gets so used to having the spirit and isn't able to recognize [it] like before because we get spiritually desensitized... this is why spiritual progress continuously is so important." (E.W., 2/14/2019). This missionary then shared a cool experience he had while blessing another elder. While administering the blessing, my friend felt prompted by God to "show him [His] love", and described feeling overwhelmed with love for this elder. My friend then reminded me that God feels the same love towards me as well, and encouraged me to go read Alma 7, which I did. I was reminded that God sent his Only Begotten Son out of love for me, to suffer for all my sins and imperfections, including the very unique health challanges that I was suffering from during the period that this letter was written to me (and that I'm continuing to manage to this day). 

Paige journal entry, Jan. 1, 2026: "Tender mercies this week: 1. Found a surgeon who feels confident she can fix me. She was able to get be in last minute and we were able to go see her in KC within just a couple days. 2. Tamika's funeral: pastor from Lincoln, NB spoke boldly about suicide being an option only from the devil. I ran into her in the hallway after and she prayed a powerful prayer of peace and love over me. 3. Conversation with Miranda about her upcoming back surgery with potential for severe long-term damage and possible paralysis (put things into perspective that things could be worse). 4. Conversation w/ Bro. Baldwin, construction for Wichita temple: His son and pregnant daughter-in-law just passed (again another perspective shifting conversation). Realizing more and more that everyone's challenges are different, proof that God is specifically tailoring our mortal eperience for each of our individual progression."

"We learn that while in the Garden of Gethsemane, the Savior did ask the Father if the trial could pass over Him—but then He also said that if it was the Father’s will, then the Savior would do it. In other words, the Savior even took on doubt and uncertainty, but He had faith in His Heavenly Father. Brothers and sisters, your proving and strengthening may not look like Moroni’s or Jacob’s or the Prophet Joseph’s. But it will come. It may come quietly, through the trials of family life. It may come through illness or disappointment or grief or loneliness. I bear witness that these moments are not evidence that the Lord has abandoned you. Rather, they are evidence that He loves you enough to refine and strengthen you. He is making you strong enough to carry the weight of eternal life. If we remain faithful in our service, the Lord will refine us. He will strengthen us. And one day we will look back and see that those very trials were evidence of His love. We will see that He was shaping us to be able to stand with Him in glory. As the Lord’s Apostle Paul stated at the end of his own life, “I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith.” (Elder Henry B. Eyring, Oct 2025)

Blessing from Dad on July 23, 2025 (as documented in my journal): 

• Feelings during the blessing: Overwhelming warmth, peace, and comfort. A full-body, very real and physical sensation. Priesthood power is real. It is the power of Jesus Christ.

• Notes from the blessing:

  • Trust Jesus. Spend time with Jesus.

  • Trust Scott. Love Scott, and let him love you. Let him serve you. He would do anything in the world for you.

  • God knows you will experience challenges that will test your spirit. He is with you. You are not alone in your suffering. When you ask God for help, you will receive it. Trust Him. Let Him expand your heart. Be willing to be molded. Let go.

  • I bless your soul to be at peace.

  • I bless you to love Cooper and that his cry will become a source of joy, and of love, rather than anxiety. I bless you to experience that miracle. 

  • Allow light and love in. Receive it.

  • I bless your body to heal and that all your cells will work together to help you body heal.

  • Keep asking. You will keep receiving.

  • You have depths of faith. Continue acting in faith.

  • Trust in what God is allowing you to experience. Allow it to expand your soul.

  • Believe that Jesus can heal you.

  • You are loved. And you are NOT ALONE.

  • I bless you to discover and use the power of breath.

"It doesn't matter how much money you make, how well-invested you are, how you make a living... it's all about your focus. Because it all works out in the end." (Paige journal entry, Dec. 23, 2025)